Of uncles, aunts, clear lines, testing jobs and boring weddings!

I dread weddings. After the 'K' soaps on cable TV I think they are the most boring ordeals on earth. God!I dont even want to think about a wedding in those soaps ! Anyway I was asked to apply a couple of days leave this month to attend my cousins wedding and I was left with no other choice but to capitulate.


The first thing I have to brace myself against in any wedding is the army of Kangevaram clad aunts. They mob you, they quiz you, they evaluate you and most importantly they bore you. Every other aunt who comes up looks at me and says "Look at you. You were such a tiny baby playing on my lap. Now you have grown so tall". I had to control myself hard from quipping" Thanks Aunty. But, since the last time I saw you, you have err...grown pretty big yourself !". Arent all babies supposed be tiny when they are babies! Duhhh... Anyway the next embarassing question targetted is "Do you remember who I am?". I have recorded over a period of time that I have only four options as answers. So the next wedding I go to I will make 4 placards and hold them up as applicable.
1. Of course I do! You are mymost favourite aunt ever!
2. Umm..I sorta recall your face, but not your name ( then I will draw a stupid grin next to it)
3. No you are so boring that I chose to forget you.
4. Dont know and dont care.
What a bore!

The next pit stop are uncles. Now uncles are a far superior breed of animals. Not because they are, but they think they are.
"Hmmm..So ur going to do your MBA huh?"
"Yes Uncle"
"In SP Jain is it"
"Yes"
"Information management"
"mmm"
"I know my friend's neighbour's third cousin's dog's ex-owner's step son who went to IIM-A"
"Umm, good for him"
"So, did u hear about X's son" (lowering his voice) "I heard he got a job in testing" ( flashing a condescending sneer)
"No uncle"
"Are you in testing"
"No uncle"
At that point I really wanted to say "Do you even know what testing is? Who put this ridiculous idea in your head that testing is a sad job? Or are you so brilliant that you graduated out of MIT with a PhD in Nuclear Physics? Didnt you write B.Com twice?". But I knew a debate was useless, so I just played along.
"So is your son in testing uncle?"
"No no no!He's not"
"Then what is he into?"
He had no clue for that answer. Only thing he knew was that his son was not in testing. So I saw my opportunity.
"Oh! Then he must be in re-testing!"
"Re-testing! what is that?"
"Oh! thats the role given only to the extremely fundoo and skilled s/w guys."
"Oh! I am sure he is in that then"
What a bore!

The next question I have to brace myself is about my wedding. For time immemorial any wedding I go to, there will be a set of people who go "umm, so when is yours dear? or now is the right age for you.". And with all my cousins getting married they have changed it to "Oh! so your line is clear now!" They spice it up with naughty smiles or a nudge with their elbows or a wink of the eye. Line is clear!!?? God! As though I have been waiting all my life for my cousins to get into wedlock and the moment they do I will run out of the hall, grab the first female I see on the street and say "Hi! I am Sandy and my line is clear now. Will you marry me?".
What a bore!


Now for the ladies, obvioulsy there are endless things to flaunt there. Sarees, bangles, gold chains, ring, silverware, new hairdos, sandals, gifts et all. Now the menfolk just stand here and there, loitering judging the other guys by instinct. But now there is a cure for that as well! No need for guessing. "Show me your mobile phone and I will tell you who you are" is the latest proverb going around. Does it have bluetooth? plays MP3? extendable memory? how may pixcells? N series? blah blah blah...I had dropped my mobile on the road that evening and a car went on it. So it certainly didnt help boosting my image up over there.
What a bore!

Did anyone actually go there to watch the wedding? Wish the bride and groom happy married life? Well i guess such things are way down in the priority list. And if you invite me to your wedding and I dont turn up I guess I dont owe you an expalnation now.