Metrosexual me!

"Why dont u get ur hair straightened?" quipped my old pal Tejas! "hmmm..straighten my hair..never occured to me before !"..wht the hell...no harm in trying I thought! ( but wht did I know!)

My sense of fodeboring should have picked up when I saw the name of the place. It was not Style Saloon or Citizen hair stylers..it was XYZ Men's parlour!! why parlour!?? I had bnever been to any parlour or anything remotely close to it. So was a bit jumpy whn i got in. He was there! on the sofa! lookin as though was some FBI agent waiting for me since ages! he had tht "aah.. there ur !" look on his face. I thought of introducing myself but thn I felt in such places anonymity was a better friend. " Hair straightening!" I hollored. u know, like those mezosoic cavemen whose vocab was restricted to "dhhhh..foooddd"...! It was more or less like tht. He didnt say a word..jst jerked his left hand towards the chair, tied a big maroon silk cloth arnd my neck. And thn it began..............

First he measured my hair with soem weird measurement n thn got out a bunck of taccky clips! N thn he started putting the clips around my hed ina circular fasshion. Good tht I had removed my glasses before he did tht. I myslef would have burst laughing at my reflection I am sure. I bet I was looking like old hag with her stupid hair in the Mask ! Anyway, thn he got out these sachets and started applyin it to the hair which was below the clip. That cream smelty like a combination of burnt coffee, hydrogen sulphide and rotten eggs. I almost puked! "Anything wrong Sir?" quizzed the concerend voice behind.."Umm..no..nothing". He applied 5 full sachets on my hair for a good 15 more minutes. I was sure I would be the first person to die because of rotten smelling hair cream! Anyway, after a while, he said it was done to my great relief! Yeah! like hell it was!

He then brought out a huge thing! yeah..i dont know what else to call it. It was like a huge tranparent dome on a high stand with wires dangling everywhere! He placed it over my head and then switched it on! "Shit!" I thought. I have seen these things ! In those afternoon soaps!! with all those bitchy ladies who go to the parlour n thn hack evil plans to seduce someone pativrata's husband! I didnt dare look up and see if there was anyone else there. God! If anyone from my gang had seen my like tht thn....." U have to sit for oaff hour sir" he said to my utter horror. Sit under tht steaming bowl with yucky smelly hair and clips all around....doing what? contemplating the differnt ways of shooting myslef in the head??. Thump!!! he dropped magazines on my lap! aaarrgghh! gr8 this gets even btter i thought. Now I sit there an read magazines.!! Opened the first one! " I am a 53 year old woman with two children. O flate my perios have....." yucccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! wht the fuck? I turned the mag back arnd and to my utter horror saw that he had given me Femina!!!! "Six sexual tricks ur make ur man ecstatic"......."Accesories for todays trendy women"........i didnt dare read the rest of the topics! I was furious! "Look here man! I have come here to straighten my hair! period! what the hell do u thingk i am??? U think i hv no other job but to sit here on a saturday afternoon with smelly hair reading Mrs. Chopra's menopause!!! I am GUY for God's sake..gimmie Sports star or AutoIndia or some bloody mens magazine!!!!"...yeah..Iwanted to say all this..but all i managed to squek after swallowing my pride was "err..do u hv some thing else"!!!! He thrusted Outlook into my hand and I desparately drowned myself in tht.

After the longest hald hour in my life he took the wretched thing off my head and said it was time to wash it. Thank god! Time to get the stench off my hair! He washed the ..err..very long tresses with some shampoo I had never seen before. The funny thing is that whn evr u go to a fancy saloon ( yes, thts my way, thank u!), all the stuff they use will have Arabic words or some weird script..i dunno Voggon or something! jst to say tht, hey we use all imported stuff, so this is a hep place n so u will have to pay half ur salary for this hair cut!Anyway he washed the whole gaddoam thing off, but I could still smell it. "its still smlleing yucky"..I complained.."I know !" he smiled".."it will be there for a cpl more days"!! Bastard! smiling at my fate!!! I thought he must me some sorta sadist who took pride in the fact tht he is going to mk all guys so replusive to things in the world, living or otherwise... n thn he will be the last standing male on this earth who is not stinking and he will be made the King of the clean world! "Sir we offer many other services. Would u like to pick a package? A facial maybe! with pure hearbal extracts. Spots, pimples, dark circles under the eye..everythign will be gone Sir! I will give a massage as well!!! " ..i was boiling...."Look here pal, I came to this stupid place with the stupid idea of getting my stupid hair straightened!! u jst shut the fuck up and do what ur asked for!!!".....No this is not what I said..this is what I thought while going back I shd hv told himm...wht I DID manage to blurt out was.."err..some other time maybe".. SOME OTHER TIME!!! wht ru? insane!!!

Anyway, I was of th opinion that the ordeal was over when he brought out a small iron box! Well! wht the hell. This has to be the weirdest day of my life..He is goign to IROn my hair!! i had lost all courage by thn. Do wht u want pal I said..jst be done! And after tht came the big one! He brought before me some conditioner ( agn with arabic crap all over it). "Sir this is a impppoted conditioner... for damaged, treated hair..it is a must sir..will cost u only 200 Rs more"..wht the hell i thought..despatare to get the smell outta my hair, i capitulated. he put tht arabic goo all over the head agn and for my gr8 relief washed it in no time." There ur sir! he told me holding the mirror behind my back. Given tht I had not worn my glasses, it made a weired picture and I quickly added tht it was puurfect!" I was ready to pay him and mak a quick getaway when it dawned upon me tht the whol cost had some to one grand!!!! damn..for a whole year I was feeling clever that I had saved 300 bucks not goign tot he saloon n there it was !! 1K blown over in 2 hrs! I had never dreamt tht I will be ever paying in a saloon with my card! Anyway paid the whole amount and then asked for the conditioner. The guy looked confused. "wht conditioner, Sir". I pointed it to the bottle on the table and he replied "yes sir, I applied tht, didnt i?" ..thn it hit me! like a rock! he wasnt selling me the bottle! He had charged me 200 bucks alone for jst putting tht shit on my head for 2 mins!!!!!!!!! Never in my whole life haid I felt so STUPID!!!! I walked out, 1k poorer, emenating a horrible stench, with trashed male ego and ah yes, straigher hair!!!